The BIG Move

We calculated our move today and it is only 2,534 miles. It will take aprox. 1 day (24hrs) + 13 more hours of non-stop driving to reach our new home. Traveling at a pace of about 5-7 hrs per day will require a whole week of traveling- Yikes this is a long ways away! Camping and brown bag meals seem like the most economical and fun to me but Jason isn't too keen on a weeks worth of instant oatmeal and pb & honey. Of course we'll take our french press and stumptown coffee to get the mornings rolling. I am hoping I can talk Jason into a few brief hikes and possible off the routed path excursions. We are headed out in about 6 weeks and I think our latest decision is not to bring much because of the cost of moving it all there and back. I can't believe how expensive it is to move- 1 bedroom for about $2000. So we'll arrive with little and find some needed goods on craigslist or at goodwill. This will be quite the adventure!

Wrapping up loose ends

I have stumbled across another weakness of mine or shall I say it has been brought to my attention that some of my behavior is counter-productive to my relationships. So here it is, I am a starter but not always a timely finisher. I am enthusiastic about the beginning and jump in head first. I get going on the project but sometimes leave a lot of loose ends to be taken care of later (date still to be decided). This causes me a great deal of anxiety and worry because I usually have to hold on to all little pieces that need to be wrapped up. Well this might work, and probably use to when I was working on one or two projects at a time, but now that I have at least 10 things going all the time the loose ends are strangling me! I see this affecting my relationships too because it means when trying to focus on any one thing or person I have a zillion other thoughts of what I need to do next- so much for quality time. I am jumping all over the place all the time just trying to manage the loose ends. Also, I often lack a sense of accomplishment because by the time I complete the project I am so mad at myself for dragging it on that there is no celebration in its completion! In fact most tasks usually become dreaded by the end and I am just relieved to be finally done. I am not sure how to remedy this problem but am confident that I will have many more opportunities to practice wrapping up loose ends in a timely fashion.

Money, Sex, and Power by Richard Foster

I finally finished this book today. It has taken me almost one year to complete because it is quite thought provoking and convicting. I have thoroughly enjoyed the book because of the counter-culture perspective it presents and its applicable nature to my daily life.

In reading the epilogue today, I really appreciated this section on Living the Vows

"The vows of simplicity, fidelity, and service are for all Christians at all times. They are categorical imperatives for obedient followers of the obedient Christ. They are the beginning point from which we explore the depths of the spiritual life and discover our mission in the world...The vows call us to a vigorous social witness. We stand in contradiction to the dominant culture, which has given its soul to the vows of greed, permissiveness, and selfishness. We critique empty values of contemporary society, and call it to joyful discipleship to Christ."

just one more round

so I've picked up the knitting needles again. Yes, I am still working on Jason's birthday sweater of 2004. Lets just say I've gotten lots and lots of practice on this project! Back at it again and enjoying myself.

good morning

I stumbled across this quote this morning and it spoke volumes to me about the anxiety within that I try to avoid daily. At times it seems counter-intuitive to think that if I choose to avoid my anxiety it will only get BIGGER, forcing me to deal with it eventually. I just want it to go away because honestly it feels too messy to deal with. So I think, "By not acknowledge the anxiety it will go away." I've tried this a few times and it doesn't seem to be effective or a very efficient way of handling my emotions. This quote spoke of my experiential finding.....

"When you repress or suppress those things which you don't want to live with, you don't solve the problem because you don't bury the problem dead- you bury it alive. It remains alive and active inside you." John Powell

Today is that FRIDAY!

I awoke this morning at 6:20 to find an email awaiting me from National Matching Services Inc. I couldn't bring myself to read it right away so I went to the bathroom and then read a few friend's emails informing me that they had been matched. Finally, I opened the email and found that I too had been matched. Thankfulness and sadness gripped my heart....Thankful that the work is done (those that didn't match have to enter the Clearinghouse on Monday and start the interviewing process all over again). Sad because on Monday we'll find out where we are going and the chances of staying in the area are slim to none. All along I've been telling J, "its only for a year." And it is but we are so rooted here and I really, really don't want to leave our family and friends. I'll post the news on Monday.....

Only a Friday Away

Next Friday we find out if I matched and then the following Monday we find out where I matched... I didn't think I was anxious about the upcoming news but my behavior tells me otherwise. I am eating a lot more chocolate - usually in the evenings when the day slows down and I have time to think about our UNKNOWN future. I am craving coffee all day long in order to increase my already rapid thought process and avoid any chance to process the potential required changes in the near future. I have been waking up several times a night consumed with "What if's" about next year. Falling asleep is anxiety ridden because my mind naturally wanders to the Internship File, which usually remains under lock and key until my head hits the pillow. To be honest I am scared to find out the news next week because things are going to change and I like where we are in life. I am afraid of my response to the news and the disappointment I am sure to feel regardless of the placement.... because it is final - I have no more say in the matter and change is hard for me!

This week I have come to realize that the site I ranked #1 is where I whole heartedly want to be next year and this makes the process all the more risky. At the core I do know and believe that God is in control and that he can use me anywhere- and even still the angst remains.

he's been calling me bangs

Fortunately, I have not had many bad haircuts in the last 10 years, not bad enough to remember anyway. However, a few weeks ago I went in for a bang TRIM and unfortunately my usual hair stylist was out but because I was leaving town the next day for another interview I settled. I was nervous about the trim in the first place but decided that un-kept hair might not reflect well in my upcoming interviews so I cautiously approached the swirling chairing and put on the black wrap. I asked for a TRIM and boy did I get one. My bangs were so short- I was speechless. I have always wondered what I would look like with bangs straight across my forehead but this was not the ideal time to try out a new look. I left the hair on the floor and started on my way home, dodging all reflections of my new do. On the car ride home Annie and I laughed so hard we cried. She gave me several pep talks (I think she got some good practice in for the speeches she will one day give to Eli) about how my character will shine through at the interviews and that hair style really isn't that important anyway and if a site doesn't pick me because of my hair than I really don't want to be in that shallow of an environment anyway. I was feeling a little bit better, then Paul arrived at the house and the first thing he said to me was, "What did you do to your hair? Why are you wearing it that way?" A little while later J came home and noticed the big change too- there was lots of laughter in the kitchen that night! Mindy was encouraging, "they'll grow out and if you got your eyebrows waxed they might look better. I even have a friend we could call and ask to do it." The eyebrow wax did help but the bangs still were too short- especially for the hairstyle I currently have. My sister came for the weekend and said, "what is up with your hair?" I told here that I was planning to get the rest of my hair cut to match the bangs when we returned from my last interview and that sadly my original plan to start growing out my hair had been thwarted. As predicted, my bangs have grown out a bit in the last few weeks but in the meantime Jason has adopted a new nickname for me "bangs" -it really is affectionate and we laugh every time he says it. I am excited for my appointment on Thursday- I like feeling cute and a hair cut can really make or break this feeling. This experience has given me a new appreciation for a GOOD HAIRCUT! I pay my stylist not just for the cut but for the creativity and ability to shape my hair in a way that is flattering- given the texture of my hair and features of my face. Now I know she is worth every penny and more!

you know you've found the right doctor when....

You smile when you find your yearly reminder in the mail.

You are excited to make a follow-up appointment- even it is for your yearly exam!

You can ask her to hold your hand when blood is being drawn and she actually does it with a smile on her face and warmth in her touch- NO SHAMING INVOLVED!

You create a blog to tell all your friends how important it is to find the "right" doctor and you are oozing with delight about finding your own "right" doc because you too have experienced the "not so right" doc just like so many other women out there.

Ladies be encouraged, there are in fact some good side-bed mannered docs out there- happy hunting!

at home and back to work

I flew in last night and I am back in the swing of things my first day back.

Made breakfast for my love

Prepared all my meals at home- YUMMY real food!

Did my weekly household chores

Paid some bills and called to inform others that their $$$ was in the mail- OOPS!

Started working on my dissertation again- yikes I've got to get BUSY

Wrote and sent a few thank you notes to the interviewers at my most favorite sites:)

Visited my gym- it feels good to work out at my neighborhood gym again

Went tutoring with Jason

Hung out at one of my favorite coffee shops doing homework and BLOGGING!

Now I've got to get back to work as I only have a few more hours to finish my to do list for the day.

Breaking the silence...

I am in a blog funk..... For the last several months (dating back to the start of internship applications and prelim dissertation deadlines- August?)although I love to chat it up, I haven't been in the "mood" to blog. Quite frankly my energy level has been depleted and the last thing I feel like doing, inside or outside of school, is writing. Even though I've been away from school the last month, I have been exhausted by internship interviews. Some of the interview days were from 8am to 6pm with 7 personal interviews packed in and I needed 2 days to rest off the nerves and prepare for the next one. My words have been taken up and my creativity spent. The good news is that things are a changing as I finished the last of my in person interviews on Tuesday! This trip was simply wonderful for several reasons:

1. It marked the end of my 5 week travel with only 4 days spent at home.

2. My younger sister Koy'a joined me and we had a girl's weekend- I can't remember the last time it was just the 2 of us!

3. The part of Cali we visited was 5 miles from the beach and the town was more beautiful than expected! The landscape was very green and the hills were a rollings.

4. I didn't have to fly alone- I have decided that I really don't like to fly and being alone only makes it worse.

5. I celebrated the completion of my last interview with a movie (Juno), shopping (BR), and a 30 minute massage with my sister.

Well, those are just a few of the top reasons why this trip was so relaxing and refreshing. As the words return I hope to find myself back in the mood to share the happenings of my life.

The FIRST INTERVIEW

I am proud to say that I DID IT- I made it through my first interview and feel pretty good about the whole thing to be honest. The best part of the interview was my ability to be ME- really me. I wasn't overly nervous and I felt comfortable. The interviewers asked thoughtful questions but not the kind that are really a "TEST" Other than its location I was ready to rank the site today. The population is ideal, I'd be working in a foster boarding home and a group home of unwed mothers and their children (0-5). The staff seemed warm and knowledgeable. It is a Catholic organization so faith is acknowledged and accepted. Therapy and diagnosis are emphasized and the orientation is both dynamic and cbt. It was a great place for a first interview - I thought to myself at one point, "Kara, you really do know a lot about working with kids." It was a confidence booster. I am glad it is over and I look forward to a few weeks of rest in between the next set of interviews.

THE COUNT

So far I have 9 interviews, 1 rejection, and 4 more to be decided by Friday.

I can't even begin to tell you how amazed I am. Honestly, I was hoping for a couple of interviews and would have been thrilled with 4. Jason, Mindy, and I would joke about only being able to take 7 due to finances. So far I am flying to 3 places and trying to knock out 2 interviews per air flight. And it just so happens that J & I have been accruing air miles for the last 7 and a half years. Right now (perfect timing) we have enough for 4 round trip tickets. I have 5 interviews scheduled, am negotiating with 1 site, and am trying to decide if I should go to the 3 others..... We are thinking "so do we really want to live in Florida, Connecticut, or California?" I think Connecticut is out and Florida might be in its way too but we vacillate with California because even though it is expensive. it is the closest to our family who we are already starting to miss and nothing is finalized yet! The locations of the sites I have already confirmed interviews are: Kentucky, Tennessee, Louisiana, and NY. The sites in Kentucky and Tennessee are only 2 hrs apart so J will hopefully join me on this trip and we will drive from site to site. Jason and I haven't done much traveling since our honeymoon so this will be a fun adventure for us. I love car trips, as a result of my childhood vacations:)- thanks Dad and Mom, but J doesn't seem to get excited about them unless it is in APPALACHIA territory. Looks like this trip will be a WIN WIN- I love when that happens! Thanks for all your prayers and your willingness to hear me talk about my grad school experiences over and over. Friends and family I could not have done this with out you all- thanks for your love and support. MORE TO COME...

Deep Roots: Part I

Today I blog about many things because I can- I am actually taking the time to sit at a coffee shop, sip on coffee, and write about the things I WANT TO- hope you enjoy

I saw a picture that reminded me of my love of lakes and rivers. (I'd post the picture but can't get it to work!) As a child my parents took the family camping every year and on these vacations we would swim, ski, inter-tube, float, wade, or any other activity that one could do in water. These are my favorite childhood memories- I was free to run a muck. I fondly think of the warm summer days lounging around with my loving family and surmise that summer is in fact my favorite season because of these formidable experiences. As an adult I realize how much work it was for my parents- thank you Mom and Dad for working so hard on my behalf! I am indebted to you for the love and affection you have shown me throughout the years!

The picture also reminded me of the many summers I spent at Dorena lake as a teenager. Koy'a I think fondly of the years we spent growing together. You are the kind of sister who loves, loves, loves, and loves some more. Jason tries to analyze our relationship and often says, "Kara you take care of Koy'a more like an the oldest sibling would." I of course pipe in and say, "Koy'a takes care of me too J. We are this way (naturally I psychologize our relationship- just trying to remain consistent)because we shared a room and even when we didn't we still acted like we be. We were only 19 months apart- In my memory Koy'a has always been there and will always will be. This makes "us" special friends." Koy'a thank you for loving me, enjoying me, and pursuing me.

Naturally this brings me to Kaysia- my adult years have been showered with Kaysia's generosity. She has been the "older sister" who naturally helped her little sis out time and again. I think fondly of when I first moved to "her" city and she made the time to work out with me- oh the YMCA. I think it was Kaysh who got me into exercising- most who know me when asked about me would mention my enthusiasm for exercise and would find it hard to imagine me without it. What a great example Kaysh was for a young, very young (late bloomer:) aspiring girl in a new city. Thanks Kaysh for loving me with both your words and deeds throughout the years. I appreciate your thoughtfulness and know that I can always count on you.

More to come on my roots....

Update- I did it!

Well it is over and yes I passed. I must say I am disappointed with the "let down"- I still have all the adrenaline but am feeling exhausted. I should sleep for days but my mind is racing! In fact now my mind feels even more full with all the loose ends I've let unravel over the last 3-4 months. Might I also mention that with the holiday season upon us and the increase of traffic and RAIN, running errands is even less desirable. As if taking clothes to the dry cleaners or picking up air filters for the furnace was ever that enjoyable in the first place.....

I am thankful it is over but truly I wish it were all over- including the internship interviews and placement for next year. Sometimes I wish it were more about "getting there" then about the "process of getting there" because the process is the hardest part.

Thanks for all your prayers and encouragement!

Prelim or Bust

Well tomorrow is a big day for me as I am scheduled to present my dissertation proposal to my committee. I am seeking their approval and the green light to start collecting the data. After 12 years of volunteer schooling, I am both aware of how blessed I am to have the opportunity to gain this education as well as the exhaustion I currently feel as a result of this pursuit. I wish my presentation tomorrow brought closure but I am aware that this marks another beginning. If I pass I will start collecting the data like a mad women as I aim to have it all gathered by the end of this semester so I can start analyzing the data and writing up the results and discussion during the summer. I want to be done with this project by the time I leave for internship. It will take more hard work and discipline to meet this goal.

Please keep me in your prayers tomorrow from 4-6 as I present. I'll post the outcome......

4 months and counting

Can't believe it has been four months since my last entry. I made promises and failed to keep them.... This semester has been the hardest for me so far and I found extra words were few and far between. I am looking forward to catching up on sleep- not sure this is possible- and spending time with friends and family. I must admit that knowing we are likely to be leaving this summer stirs up a desire to disconnect now. It is hard to think about all I'll miss while away. The closer the reality of moving comes the less appealing it sounds. Thats all for now.

No more blogging promises- just one day at a time.

29 has come and gone

I celebrated my 30th birthday last week..... I had a wonderful day and felt very loved throughout the evening as I was surrounded by good friends. Here is to another year of love, peace, and hope.

good smelling things....

I love this scent.

An unpredictable story...

It is my belief that we all live according to a narrative. The stories we tell ourselves are powerful promoters of thoughts, feelings and actions. I see the outworking of this in my marriage. The other day in an argument, Jason questioned my conclusion about his behavior. I discovered that my interpretation of the situation was based on one of the roles I've traditionally scripted Jason to play. Here are a few of the stories I tell myself and the consequential behavior it leads to.

1. I am the hard worker in our marriage and he is the smart one - I clean and he reads
2. Jason is a night owl and Kara is the early bird- He tucks me in nightly and I try to rouse him in the wee hours of the afternoon.
3. Kara is the emotional one and Jason is the logical one- Kara plays the emotionally disturbed individual while Jason is the hero who convinces her that all is well.

These stories are true in part but are far from the whole. The high price for the type of black and white certainty I am drawn to is FREEDOM and HOPE- for change. In addition, I often lack acceptance of change when it inevitably occurs. Caught in the prescribed roles of my story I forget that both Jason and I possess the ability to create our own lines. I like scripts as they provide a sense of security, I can read ahead and know how it is all going to turn out. The script I've been living by and imposing on my husband isn't consistent with the Christian narrative I embrace as it lacks the potential for human change and growth.

This week we laughed at some of our recent observations:
1. On several occasions Jason has dragged me to bed after midnight.
2. Jason cleaned the toilet.
3. He was up 2x this week before me
4. He showered before we went out and I didn't!
5. A recent conversation:

Kara: lets invite people over
Jason: tonight?
Kara: how about right now?
Jason: I thought you'd want us to clean up the place first?
Kara: It's not that messy.

I blogged a few weeks ago about my new found appreciation and enjoyment of surprises- I think my thoughts today are connected. I am eager to be surprised as Jason and I create the pages of our novel together- i love unpredictable books that hold me in suspense and force me to read on......